I Am Weak and at Peace With It
Ken, a young white female with long dark curly hair, and a cane, is wearing a red mask and a multi-pattern dress. She is standing in front of a stone archway on her left and a wooden bench. A brick wall attached to the archway and foliage can be seen under and past the archway.
CW/TW: Mental Health Struggles, Trauma
I used to be a very active child, changing uniforms in the back of my mom’s car going from sport to sport. I won blue ribbons in butterfly on the swim team, tossed two spins in baton twirling, and jumped hurdles on my middle school track team. When I hit high school, that all changed; my body started breaking down, and I had my first big accident.
I was running late for school, and I took my longboard and began skating down the hill to the bus stop, only to hit a rock and go flying. I landed on my back with my feet in the air, and yet it was my left foot that hurt. At the podiatrist's office, no one could believe what they saw; I had an injury so rare they had only seen it in textbooks. My entire midfoot was out of socket, and it took two surgeries and years of healing to fix. This kind of issue was only supposed to come from severe foot trauma, but I hadn't even hit mine. That should have been the first indicator something was wrong, but I went on till my freshman year of college before finally getting a diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
The thing no one tells you about getting diagnosed is that as validating as it is, it comes with a lot of trauma. I learned that I had reached stage two of Ehlers Danlos Hypermobile Type, with stage three a possibility for my future. They told me just how much I would have to change my life, starting with my ability to have children and my career planning. Suddenly I was spending thousands of dollars on physical therapists, massage therapists, pain management drugs, and medical equipment. As someone who already suffered from anxiety and depression, this was just another blow to my self-esteem.
They tell you when your mind is sick to meditate and dive deep into your body’s sensations as a way to anchor yourself, but how do you do a body scan when every muscle and joint is screaming in pain? How do you have gratitude for a body that's failing? At the time, I couldn't answer these questions. Everywhere I went, people told me how strong I was, how they could never deal with what I had; they would always ask me how I stayed positive. I found this quite rude. I never felt strong; I felt weak.
Every day was a balance of energy between the things I couldn't cope with and the life I had planned for myself. Yet the people around me still hounded me, treating me as an inspiration factory. To them, I was just another sob story, a conglomeration of nature's cruelest tricks, so if they could get my secret to staying happy, then maybe they too could find joy in their more privileged circumstances. My question to them now would be to ask why they felt the need to use my pain to uplift themselves? The tough things I went through are not an inspiration for me; they are merely pieces of me that I own up to and love.
It took me a while, but now I’m proud to be weak. I go to therapy every Tuesday, and I cry with no shame. I decided to continue my path towards med school and to be at peace with the possibility of never having a child. I would be lying if I said such a demanding career choice doesn’t feed into my anxiety, but it gives me a sense of purpose at the same time. Being sick both mentally and physically for a majority of my life left me with a lot of heartbreak, but now I know that’s ok. It is in my vulnerability that I find my most authentic self. For anyone else out there like me, I urge you to continue. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge your wounds; because the first step forward is always to become aware of the pattern. If you can see the pattern, you can start working to love yourself, illness and all.
Ken is a medical technology major in their second year of college with aspirations of entering medical school. They work as a Nationally Registered Certified Medical Assistant currently serving the populations in rural and urban Virginia. Ken Hopes to use their medical knowledge to increase awareness surrounding the challenges disabled individuals face and is working with their college to create awareness events for students.