Rooting For Us: The Pressure To Be Perfect In An Imperfect World
How can you be a perfect diabetic, let alone a perfect human, in a world that’s imperfect? Not only do we get shamed for not being just that; but we, as chronic disease patients, must go behind every claim and check to see if the insurance company, the providers, and the suppliers aren’t messing up something; yet, they demand we be perfect.
I have a serious fear of going to the hospital in a diabetic emergency and them doing procedures that “aren’t covered” by my (Premium) individual health insurance. My insurance premiums take about one fourth of my year’s salary! Thankfully I am fortunate enough to have the credit available to spot me whenever they “can’t do the procedure without a down payment.” What if I didn’t?
What if I was born less fortunate? What if I was born in a different country? I may not be here to say anything at all.
It's now become a money game…. Who knows if the hospital is keeping you longer to help you or help themselves? I have to have a good healthcare team with doctors who believe in finding causes, not treating symptoms. Them asking “why” instead of trying to point a finger and play the blame game.
I was bullied into thinking I was the worst diabetic by my doctors growing up. If my blood sugars ran high I would be scolded because I was doing SOMETHING to make them go up. So, I began to lie about them -- hoping they wouldn’t be upset when I reported my numbers that didn’t match my A1C. Which then I was called a “liar” by a medical professional, at the age of 12 or 13. I was going through puberty, which probably had something to do with the rollercoaster of sugar readings, but let’s shame the girl that doesn’t really understand what’s going on within herself.
Yes, this is my life that is in jeopardy. Don’t you think I would remember to check this or take that every time, if I could? Because I don’t like having to turn around for things, the feeling of unreliability, having to stop at a pharmacy or call the “on-call” doctor to send the insulin prescription to where I am for the weekend.
When I turned 16, I concluded that I simply wouldn’t make it to see my 30’s. I strongly believed that until I turned 31 this year (2019).
We face death every single day. He has become a friend of mine. He doesn’t want to take my life. He wants me to make it through this; for, when he ever has come near; he pushed me back. I have fought hard to be here and will continue to get through diabetes’ crazier days -- those days when a diabetic’s intense “normality” sends us into survival mode.
I’ve acted on low blood sugars while still half asleep, cramming food and honey down my throat. I’ve headed into DKA (Diabetic Keto-Acidosis) taking a quick shot instead of waiting for my pump to dispense insulin. Then I chugged water so my PH can start to level, hoping to avoid a few days in the hospital.
We are after-all human, and constantly having to be on the ball with something that doesn’t sleep is an unreal expectation. Let alone coping with the trickling effect of issues diabetes causes.
I have a wealth of support from my family and friends. They would band together and get me to the ER, make it feel less like a hospital, and make sure I was comfortable. I’ve had flameless candles and meditation, LED balloons & streamers. If I missed a party, it was brought to me. They brought me blankets from home and nice stuffed animals to hold onto throughout the longest nights of my life. Always on call and there for me to reach out to, if ever I needed them.
All in all, through the worst of it, I became stronger. It’s so hard to even write this because I’ve built such a strong wall around myself. I just kept going during these times and didn’t look back. But it’s a different thing to face the craziness of it all. It’s scary. But I came out on the other side. Death is, after all, rooting for us.
You are unique. This world needs you. Your journey may be everything someone needs to hear to keep moving through their own.
Bethany is a young southern artist living with Type 1 Diabetes, trying to live her best life and empower others in all the chaos.